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Filipino-American Relationship

One of the List resource people wrote to a List guest the following, a foreigner who was having second thoughts about marrying a Guest Relationship Officer, (GRO) his girlfriend and fiancee he met in a bar/karaoke.

John wrote:

So you have fallen into the trap by meeting a gorgeous, shy little GRO, and you feel at this moment that you want to marry her. OK, but first let me tell you a little story.

I ran a girlie bar in Manila for just over 5 years. I soon found out the ground rules, and although I didn't approve of them, they were the rules.

Girls were bought from their parents in the provinces for as little as P2000.00, we went on regular shopping trips and I found the whole thing distasteful but that was how it was done.

They traveled back to Manila on the bus, while we came back in a chauffeur driven limo. As soon as they arrived, the teaching process began. Most of the teaching was done by the senior GRO's or more experienced girls at the bar.

The No. 1 Rule is that you are no longer free, you have been purchased by the boss and your parents have been rewarded, do not let your parents down! You are not allowed to go out without written permission from your boss or when you are bar-fined, but then you must arrange this with the Head Geisha.

You belong to the Boss as if you are married to him. You are not allowed to have a personal boyfriend. Every male is your boyfriend, but only if they pay your bar-fine. If you are bar-fined, you must be back on these premises by Noon the following day. If you are late you will be fined and the money will be taken from your salary.

After these ground rules were learnt, the girls settled in and were taught how to please a male by dancing, flirting, massage, and sex. At first I thought I was in paradise with a line of 18 year olds queuing up out side my bedroom door.

But the novelty soon wore off, believe me. The quiet girls were taught that shyness was a tool they could use, because loads of guys are turned on by the sexy little shy one. She acts like the virgin and the little girl lost.

Do not let this fool you. She, like all the others, are in this business to make money for the bar, the object of the exercise is to get the guy to buy loads of ladies drinks and then Bar-fine as many girls as he can handle. All the tricks in the book are used to get the cash out of your pocket and into the till.

Girls under the age of 21 are not allowed to drink alcohol, so if you ply her with drink and take her out, you could get into trouble with the Police, that's if somebody reports you. Big heavy fine, and money all around for the corrupt police and their informers.

Another thing is that if you are dating your girlfriend without paying a bar-fine, she will get into serious trouble with her boss, and you will probably be taught a little lesson by a few heavies that creep up on you from nowhere. I know. I have woken up a few times in the rat infested gutter, with my nose out of joint, all because of a shy little GRO.

OK you think you love her and want to marry her. You say you are 45. By the time she is 25 and at her sexual peak, you will be in your 50's. She will go back to the bar, she will want to show off to her old friends that she is now all grown up, and she has her old husband paying for everything she wants in life. Plus he is paying for everything her parents want and the sisters and brothers and the 500 or so cousins that are waiting in line for their share.

She will see the girls in her old place of work, having a good time with the punters, while all she has to look forward to that day is a pile of washing and ironing. She will be very tempted to have just one drink with an old flame and listen to his drunken promises. She will probably take him to a short time hotel and earn some extra housekeeping by just laying on her back for an hour or so. Eventually you will get suspicious, the rows will start, She will go back to work in the bar. The end!

Sorry mate, there are hundreds of thousands of gorgeous decent Filipino girls in this world, all looking for the man of their dreams, and all wanting to settle down, start a family and live Happily Ever After. You are a little bit like myself. I too fell in love with a GRO, but a good friend warned me of the dangers, I lived with her for a couple of years and we had some great times, but she would always go back to the bar to see her friends once a week, then twice a week, making excuses, coming home at 4 in the morning, drunk and clothes torn. Then into Shabu [methamphetamine, speed, crank.] Bye bye little shy GRO. Now probably dead.

It will be hard to make the break, but you must. Remain good friends but please don't marry her. Because she is already married.

To The Bar

By: JOHN HARMAN. 3-21-05 by permission

There is a saying, "You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the girl." I believe this is true most of the time, certainly from what I have seen in the past 15 years. There are exceptions, but rare. The bar is exciting. Provincial girls become idols of customers, stars in their own eyes, make tight friendships in the bars. But some girls find a boyfriend before they get hung up with the life. But that is rare. There is usually always some problem that brought them to this, in addition to poverty, they can't shake.

Can you trust any girl in the world? Maybe and maybe not, I answer. I know one thing for sure, especially in long distance relationships and with Filipinas, it is better to find out now, no matter how bad it hurts. Later it can be debilitating both financially and emotionally. I have been down that road, never again. We did not, when I first got here, but now we have a good reliable security agency here for investigating Filipinas. The firm is partially owned and managed by an American retired detective and intelligence chief, married to a Filipina. He is highly qualified, years of international investigative experience. This is a licensed agency and one that I recommend highly. When necessary they use undercover Filipinas, investigators whose only stake in the outcome of the investigation is to do a good job: these are professionals, not just friends. These are trained in investigative skills, writing reports clearly, well documented so there is no misunderstanding. There is no gossip; everything is based on facts, not feelings. Most guys don't want to know the truth about their "honey ko". I know at one time I did not. Yes, and I sorely regretted it and do to this day: I lost my money but worse than that, my heart was shattered. I know from brutal and expensive experience it is better to bite the bullet and take it now, even if it is bad news. If you are one of those guys like many are, maybe even I was who needs to suffer to feel like he is loved; you will just have to suffer. I hope you are more mature than I was 25 years ago when made my big mistake with a Filipina. No matter how well I treated her, it was not enough. It took me years to realize I would never get anywhere and then more years to get over it. And though the serious feelings are over, it still makes me sad for me and even for her and her family. This can be serious stuff. Take it as such, if not for your sake for her sake. No reason to enter into a relationship blindly. There's help now on the "before" side. If you are involved in a questionable relationship, now your friend can be investigated, confidentially and reliably.

If things turn out bad, and an investigation uncovers a scam, another boyfriend or even boyfriends, or a husband in the wings spending the money you are sending here, remember the magnitude of quality women here available to you.

This is a big country with millions of girls who dream of marrying a foreigner, good, kind and loving ones. Why not be easy on yourself and get one who loves you, respects you, treasures you, as you deserve? No reason to settle for anything less. You are in great demand here. But you will be treated with much less than respect by some if you allow it to happen. If the investigation verifies that you friend is honest and truthful (and many are), and I hope yours is, you can proceed with your relationship without hesitation.

I can also recommend a good psychiatrist if you want marital counseling and you are in Cebu. And her prices are right too, or were when I used her. I will try going get updated prices. How long depends, of course. And can she make your marriage work. No, only you and your wife can do that. And you both have to both works at it. She does premarital counseling too, something else I wish had availed myself of before the fact. But she was not available then. And if she was I probably would not have had the wisdom to do so, so caught up in the fact that one of these stunning beauties loves me. Or so I thought. Dra. Ilano did a wonderful job for me, getting me to understand that there are some things you cannot fix She is at (e-mail address.) She has a lot of experience helping Fil-Am couples either work things out, or separate as friends if nothing else. She is a Filipina, but she will be there to help you and your marriage. She has traditional Filipino values, if that is what you want. She is also stunningly attractive, or was last time I saw her. She is also very much married, has a little girl.

Filipino-American Relationship (Written: by a foreigner who get married with a FILIPINA)

Hi, I had a similar experience with my ex Filipina wife. I call it the "sup to u, sup to me" syndrome. When I met her here in Cebu about 9 years ago she was as sweet as could be. Anyone meeting her would say she would be a great bet for a wife and many people did say that and I thought so also. Everything we did was always my decision. Where shall we go today Hon "sup to you" what would you like to order off the menu "sup to you", what movie would you like to watch? "sup to you" on and on, everything sup to you.

Then I brought her back to Alaska on a fiancee visa and married her and we had a son and then any decision from that point on was "sup to me"! She was, and still is a good girl in most ways, never drank or smoked or used drugs, didn't cheat etc etc but she turned out to be the most hard headed, obdurate, intractable woman I have ever known in my life! She became acquainted with a lot of other Filipina Americans who quickly let her in on the situation in America..."you don't have to listen to him any more, just do what you want." She knew from the start that I wanted to live here in the PI and planned to balikbayan for a few years b4 retiring completely here, but once she got to the states she just stubbornly refused to return to the PI under any circumstances. She was completely beyond persuasion and in fact wouldn't even listen to any of my reasoning, just continually said NO! (SUP TO ME)

So don't anyone count on the sweet loving faithful Filipina wife returning to live here. Some do but many don't. I still have a hard time grasping the change in her attitude. Now we are in a messy argument about my visitation with my son...another topic! I'm re-married here in Cebu and will in no circumstance take my new wife to the states, even though she does hound me about it occasionally.

She knew exactly my thoughts on the subject when we were married. I love life in the Philippines and intend to stay here and keep my wife a sweet Filipina here in this country. I've seen and heard of too many Filipinas who became Americana diretcho when they got off the plane. I could have found a woman like that without leaving the states if that's what I wanted.

Good luck to all, they do make good wives, even in the states as long as you are willing to be submissive to their will and live in the U.S. SUP TO YOU, SUP TO HER.

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